The added day, while cat-and-mouse to accommodated a acquaintance for a socially-distanced walk, my buzz pinged: it was a account of Freddie, in bed, with bisected of his face covered up with a fleet fleece.
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“Your bleed looks cosy”, I messaged.
“You could absolutely fit beneath it”, he replied. “Your face would be appealing abutting to abundance though.”
“Cosy”, I said, again.
“It would accept to be a appealing big fleece”, I told him. “With lots of accord to it.”
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“Depends what we were doing.”
“That’s true.” Pause. “No sitting upright.”
“I’m abiding we could assignment out a way for you to sit on top of me.”
And aloof like that, I bailed on a acquaintance I hadn’t apparent for months to allocution to a guy I’ve never met about the acumen of him putting his arch amid my legs while we were both captivated in the aforementioned fleece.
I acclimated to abhorrence sexting. I’ve heard women be alleged “sluts” abundant times in my activity to feel afflictive cogent what I appetite from sex. Aback I’m absolutely accepting it though, this is beneath of an issue. At that point, I don’t anticipate about how what I’m accomplishing adeptness be perceived because my anatomy becomes louder than my mind. It’s black that at 25 years old I still accord these anticipation processes any weight, or that I would try to advance the account of a man that did. But it adeptness booty a lifetime afore I balloon this behaviour that tells women to abstinent their admiration through a filter. Perhaps I never will.
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Me and Freddie aboriginal started talking about four months ago afterwards we akin on Hinge. I swiped appropriate because he had the attending of a guy – angular appealing boy with “I’ve taken too abounding drugs” eyebags – who will ruin your activity (my type). Aback he letters me I feel like someone’s drop-kicked me in the stomach.
You can’t see him that able-bodied on his contour because in all of his pictures there’s consistently article affected in the frame. A abode bulb accoutrement bisected his face or a Tesco bag he’s jokingly modelled into a hat. He’s got suntanned bark the colour of a well-brewed cup of tea and he’s slouching in a canoeing basin amidst by women in adornment bikinis. In another, there’s a awe-inspiring account of a adumbration bouncing off a bank that could be an outline of him or it could be a lamppost. Freddie is acceptable attractive but not so acceptable attractive he doesn’t charge to try. He makes you assignment a little to see it.
When Freddie and I aboriginal started messaging pre-pandemic we bound abiding a Thursday night date. But he was animate backward at his lighting abettor job and afterwards cat-and-mouse and cat-and-mouse for his about-face to finish, eventually I gave up and wiped abroad the no makeup-makeup I watched a YouTube tutorial to perfect. Again I sat in bed cerebration about how abundant I absent my ex.
But aback lockdown happened we allocution until my thumbs ache up. Often it’s through articulation addendum – he speaks apathetic and low, like aureate abstract aqueous from a spoon. He sends me a account from area he’s laid in the park. Too-much-weed eyes. I-can’t-be-bothered-with-anything eyes. So aphotic amber I anticipate about wading into them like a swamp. I aces up all the little capacity of him and ample in the blanks. In my head, his allowance is blowzy and covered with mouldy plates with postcards from galleries blue-tacked in clusters over the wall. From the rolling ahhhhhs in his emphasis and the actuality he alleged a two month-long cruise to Vietnam a “holiday”, I’m appealing abiding he’s rich. I can acquaint he’d be fun to affair with. An Uber home with a dejected sky breaking into apricot out of the window, his arch on my lap. I’ve absurd a accomplished apple with this man. It looks bigger than the one I’m in.
“Is close kissing allowed?”, he asks, aback we bulletin about affair up.
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“Definitely not”, I say. “We could blow ourselves, aloof not anniversary other.”
“That would be appealing hot if you were cutting a skirt. I’d appetite to booty your underwear off with my teeth.”
Mum shouts: “Tea’s ready.” Afterwards the coronavirus beginning I confused aback in with my parents. Once again, I am the aggressive jailbait who spends too abundant time on MSN.
Spending every day trapped central the four biscuit walls of my bedchamber alone exacerbates my adeptness to see Freddie and I together. Lack of dispatch agency my apperception can brainstorm scenarios as vividly as an acerbic trip. At night my dreams are so animate that aback I deathwatch up my jaw is annealed from cutting my teeth. I anticipate I’ve beat a bushing out. Sometimes aback I leave the abode I see bodies afterward me and about-face about and it’s a fence post. I’ve been cut apart from absoluteness and I’m afloat through alien space.
Sometimes I admiration what it’s activity to be like aback we assuredly meet. I anguish that our accent is accomplishing article that our bodies could not. That, admitting our words aberration calm to accomplish article beautiful, in being they will be two asleep and impaired blocks of bark that don’t abort beneath anniversary other’s hands. That I adeptness kiss his close and it won’t feel like I was promised it would.
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There’s a doughnut of bendable beef that’s developed about my average that doesn’t amount in my fantasies. And again there’s how he bailed on our aboriginal appointed date anyway. Perhaps he alone brand talking bleed sex aback I’m pixelated. Maybe in absolute activity he wants women alleged things like Arabella who accept stick and blow tattoos and San Tropez tans from the place, not the bottle. The array sitting abutting to him in the canoeing basin of his Hinge profile. Maybe our teeth will bang calm aback we kiss. Nothing will be “wet” or “hard” but shrugging and acquisitive to get on the abutting train. I appetite to blow him so bad. He adeptness not like how it feels aback I do.
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